Sythyry's Journal

Sekhidi: “This is not an unusual situation. The fact that you are foreign and Zi Ri has nothing to do with the fundamental issue of violating the laws concerning the proper treatment of tofyofs.”

Sekhidi is a stern Orren man, crouched on a judicial sphere. (Which is a big wooden ball, about three feet in diameter, very highly polished and slippery, upon which judges sit at formal hearings and trials. I think it’s either flat on the bottom, or anchored to the floor somehow. It doesn’t roll when he moves.)

Arfaen: “I’m not zir tofyof! Zie’s not mistreating me!”

Sekhidi: “Do you deny that you were zir consort? That you are zir employee and subordinate? That zie is not paying the required escrow salary?”

Arfaen: “Those have nothing to do with it! Zie’s paying me plenty and then some to be in the crew, and doing big enchantments and curse-breakings for free too! “

Sehkidi: “That has everything to do with it. It is a textbook example of an illegal implied tofitude. You should be getting the required protections and benefits. You are not, yet zie is enjoying the benefits of your copulations.”

Arfaen: “And I’m not sleeping with zir because of the pay — but because it suits my mood!”

Sekhidi: “Oh, dear. Do you have a barrister?”

Me: “We have a solicitor.”

Sekhidi: “That won’t do. You need someone who can advise and represent you in hearings, Miss Arfaen. Everything you have said so far is harming your case. You too, Miss Sythyry. We certainly don’t want any legal mistakes, and we are not trying to deny you any sort of justice while in the process of making sure that justice is done.”

So we tried to hire a barrister, which is just like a lawyer, except that a barrister doesn’t do things that a solicitor does. (I think that, in Hanija, solicitors work with people who have not been charged with crimes, to try to keep them from committing crimes. Barristers are for people who have been charged. Hanija is idiosyncratic.)

We were not allowed to hire a barrister. Instead, we were required to hire two barristers: a maternal Cani woman named Khohu for Azliet, and a sharply-dressed and astringent Rassimel named Shirahung for me. This took most of the afternoon to arrange.

In private with Shirahung, in a small but very comfortable closet in the Palace of Justice:

Me: “So, you’re here to have me proclaimed innocent, are you not?”

Shirahung: “Well — are you innocent?”

Me: “Technically no. But Arfaen was willing — actually she asked me.”

Shirahung: “Well, you’re innocent of rape, that way. Which would be quite fortunate if you were, in fact, accused of rape. Did you fornicate with Miss Arfaen without benefit of marriage or tofitude?”

Me: “Yes.”

Shirahung: “And you are her employer?”

Me: “Yes”

Shirahung: “Then you are guilty. This seems clear enough.”

Me: “And this from my barrister, supposedly devoted to my cause?”

q

Shirahung: “My job is only to prove you innocent if you are, in fact, innocent. Most of the time — and yes, most of the time, for few innocent people are brought to court — my job is to reduce your sentence as much as possible.”

Me: “I suppose that will have to do.”

Shirahung: “So, let us discuss extenuating circumstances. Were you drunk — and, best if Miss Arfaen had actively taken a strong part in intoxicating you? She is your chef, after all.”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Shirahung: “Hm. Were you in some other way particularly vulnerable to her advances?”

Me: “I was unusually sad; I missed my spouse, who has been dead for some time now.”

Shirahung: “Excellent! And was Miss Arfaen exploiting this fact to take advantage of you in a moment of weakness?”

Me: “Wait — are you trying to blame Arfaen for the incident?”

Shirahung: “The more punishment that falls on her, the less will fall on you.”

Me: “Unacceptable! She may not be my tofyof, but she is my client, and I will protect her!”

Shirahung: “Client? This is interesting and perhaps helpful. Tell me more about this foreign custom. Perhaps I can argue that it counts as an approximation of tofitude.”

Me: explain, explain.

Shirahung: “Wait, she had other lovers? And you did not punish her for it? That makes that argument all but useless.”

Me: grumble, grumble

Shirahung: “Still, her sluttiness makes our job easier. She can get quite a large measure of blame that way.”

Me: “No. Try to reduce out combined punishment. I won’t be dumping guilt on her as a way to get it off me.”

Shirahung: “Don’t tell me how to do my job, foreigner!”

Me: “If you are working for me, you will do what I need done, or you will do nothing whatever!”

So we hissed and growled at each other for a while, and he agreed that he would work on the approach of saying that Arfaen was some sort of hideously inappropriate foreign variant of a tofyof to me already, and perhaps the judge would reduce the sentence based on that, but he certainly didn’t expect that line of reasoning would do much good, and if he were hiring a highly-skilled professional he would certainly not get in his way.

(Which is why this matter really stung. I have been taking quite good care of Arfaen by any reasonable standards. The fact that I haven’t followed the forms that Hanija requires is true and undisputable — but I have done quite properly and even generously by her by the forms of Vheshrame, or by the rest of the world. I have committed the crime, to be sure; I have broken the letter of the law; I have kept the spirit quite well. In my opinion of what the spirit ought to be.)

Shirahung: “Of course, Miss Arfaen’s barrister will not be doing that. She will be trying to make you out as the one most deserving of punishment.”

Me: “Fair enough. I’m richer than Arfaen, and tougher than her, if it comes to corporal punishments.”

After this discussion, we tried to return to the judge. We waited for nearly two hours, while he judged two other cases. And then it was fairly late, so the judge went home, promising to see us first or second tomorrow morning.

So they tossed us into prison for the night.

Mirrored from Sythyry.

I wouldn’t say that I am in love with Arfaen, not exactly. I wouldn’t say I am in love with anyone just now, not exactly, and Arfaen might or might not be on the top of my list if I were. I know for a fact that Arfaen’s not in love with me either. She’s got about four lovers on board whom she asks for various moods — I am the one she for when she is feeling serious and somewhat needing to be protected, or, of course, when she is or I seem miserable in a way that a bit of body-play could help with. Last night was all of those. It is a sad thing to finally be in a place where traff-folk could get married, or sort of, and not have anyone to marry.

So we woke up at four hours after dawn (I did slip out for a bit at dawn, for work), comforted and distracted each other for a while, and sprawled together in her bed chatting.

Arfaen: “I need to find a good place to buy snails in Hanija. Vae really loves them pickled, and I’m almost out.”

Me: “Actually, I think Vae rather overdid it on the pickled snails. You might try something else, like onions or those tiny eggplants.” More to the point, Vae actually doesn’t like pickled snails at all, but Arfaen thinks she does, and Vae asked my aid in stopping her from making them without telling her that Vae thinks they’re disgusting and always has, and just only been eating them and praising them out of politeness.

Arfaen: “I smell that.” Which I suppose means that she deduced the whole thing from my facial expressions. “Pickled onions it will be. They’ve got five different kinds of scallions here, did you know that? I like the chive-scallions best, but they’re so leafy, I don’t think they’ll pickle right, do you?”

Windigar: [speaking to me through the ship's devices] “Sythyry? I’m sorry to bother you, but there are some constables from Hanija here to talk to you.”

Me: “Oh, dear. I’ll be right out.”

Windigar: “In the Parlor of the Seven Batik Crabs. Oh, and is Arfaen with you? They’d like to talk to her too.”

Me: “She is, in fact.”

So Arfaen and I blinked nervously at each other a bit (“I wonder what Grinwipey’s done now?”), and got dressed and washed in a time-bubble, and trotted out to the Parlor of the Seven Batik Crabs.

Constables

The tall brown-and-white-splotched Cani man greeted me first. “Lord Sythyry, we thank you for your prompt attention to this hopefully-minor matter. I am Inspector Hajang-Guyof. This is Rassimel Constable Napamdo, and this Herethroy Constable Hasathyo.” So we greeted them right back, and introduced ourselves, and I promptly forgot Napamdo’s and Hasathyo’s names.

“And what can we do for you today, O officers of the law of Hanija?” I asked them.

Hajang-Guyof flattened his ears. “We are here on a rather delicate matter. We recognize that you are a mighty wizard, here in a warship of unknown potencies, with a terrible nendrai and a subtle demon and many strong warriors. Still, there has been a violation of the law of Hanija. We wish to attend to the needs of the law, but we must clearly do so in a way that does not lead to any sort of war or battle.”

“We certainly don’t intend to battle Hanija, or wreck the city-state, or do any other injury. We don’t intend to break the laws, either. I give you my word that we will settle the matter peacefully if at all possible,” I said. Leaving myself the option of, say, peacefully taking all my crew and passengers on board and peacefully getting a long way off so that Hanijan law does not apply and Hanijan law enforcement has nothing to say. That would be peaceful, right?

“Very good. We appreciate this attention to larger matters. Your prompt and cooperative assistance will be a mitigating factor should punishment become a necessity.”

I ruffled my feathers. “Wait, I’m the criminal you seek?”

Hajang-Guyof nodded. “With many apologies, we do indeed have the honor of investigating you for certain activities that, while they may be legal in many other city-states, do in fact violate the laws of Hanija. And there are circumstances which make this violation all the more pungent.”

I asked, “May I be permitted to learn of these activites?”

“Certain evidence has come to us that you are breaking the tofyof laws — indeed, that you are knowingly stinking upon them and scorning them. We wish to ascertain the truth in this matter and apply certain correctives.”

I curled my tail. “Well, I must say that I am not scorning them. I admire these laws; I wish that more places had them. For one example, many of my closest friends entered keeper-tofyof relationships last night, a circumstance which I gave my most enthusiastic approval and assistance.”

“Yes, yes, this is quite true. The reports of this matter came from the officials performing the ceremony last night. So you know of the tofyof laws? Your solicitor says that you, personally, listened closely to his exegesis thereof,” said Hajang-Guyof.

“I am hardly a solicitor myself, but I listened to one with some interest, and I read my passengers’ papers on the topic. I would say I know something about them — though I could easily be wrong about important points,” I confessed.

Hajang-Guyof looked to Arfaen. “And, Miss Arfaen, did you and Sythyry perform bodily conjunctions last night, or any other time while you were within Hanija Mene?”

Arfaen snarled at him. “That is none of your business.”

Hajang-Guyof tucked his tail between his legs. “With many regrets, is currently my business.”

I said to her, “Let us tell the truth, with scrupulous accuracy, Arfaen. It is safer and more gracious that way.”

Arfaen tucked her tail. “Then yes, we did.”

Hajang-Guyof asked us, “And is there any formal and legal arrangement of relationship between the two of you, either marriage or tofitude, or some other legal status from another city-state that has analogous stature?”

“Yes — I am Sythyry’s client,” said Arfaen.

“Is that a formal and legal arrangement?” asked Hajang-Guyof. “I know something about the laws and customs of Inner Ketheria, which gives me cause to wonder.”

“It is an informal and extralegal arrangement, though one which we both take quite seriously,” I said.

“Then, O Sythyry… You have been treating this woman as a tofyof, but you have not formalized her tofitude, nor have you provided her with the protections and fees suitable to a tofyof of one with your status. It is clear that you know perfectly well which relationships are legal in Hanija Mene, and that you have had the opportunity to make it properly legal, as many of your shipmates have done. You chose not to. Thus I must arrest you.”

Arfaen howled, “It was voluntary! I invited zir to my bed willingly — eagerly! I am the one who is breaking the tofyof laws — I am the one you should charge!”

Hajang-Guyof said gently, “Are you the wizard, or the cook? In any reasonable estimation, Sythyry would be the keeper, and you the tofyof. If you had wished the reverse situation, you should have arranged the matter yesterday when so many of your friends did. By Hanijan law, is it Sythyry who bears the responsibility, and, should the court so decide, should be punished.”

I flapped my wings. “This is embarrassing!”

“Being arrested for sex crimes against your friends is often found so, O Zi Ri.”

Mirrored from Sythyry.

Mump’s Reply to His Students [19 Nivvem 4385]

or, On the Triumph of Socio-Prosodical Research

Dear Students,

I am afraid that you have utterly misunderstood and misapplied the methods of socio-prosody. I simply permitted you to explore your obvious misperceptions in the hopes that you would quickly set them right after a bit of further understanding. This hope is clearly vain. Obviously, instruction is wasted on yourselves — Experience is a slow and bitter master, but a fool will learn from no other — the old proverb is amply justified and verified with references to yourselves.

“How could we do otherwise than make a thousand errors?” you ask? The answer is clear! You, being yourselves, could not do otherwise — you have no chance of ever achieving anything of particular correctness! You, not I, chose to use the Translating Dictionary of Gi-Shozempi the Great! Who was it that recommended using that of the Noetherian Institute instead? Did you follow that recommendation, which was made with decades of experience in academe? You chose not to — so you faltered and fell!

Socio-prosody concerns itself with the Poetic Essence of the Spirit of a People. This is perhaps obscured to your eyes by the use of the word Prosody in the name socio-prosody, but that is what the term means. Are tofyofs the poetic essense of the spirit of Hanija? Well, in your misreading of the poetry of that country, perhaps! In reality — no, not so!

It is quite reasonable for a poet to describe his lover as “hooklike”. Æloch-dü Verter, the Chopistau Poet, used that very word to describe his wife, who, hooklike, drew him into battle with cleavers and blades.

You clearly intend to promulgate a foolish and pernicious new discipline in this “socio-vacationing” of yours. You wish to found a new academic department, independent from all others, under your control, with access to an ample supply of funding which you seek to liberate by calumny from the funds of Socio-Prosody! With this you will travel and experience luxurious vacations in many lands! The difference between this and embezzling is that you shall write pretentious and fallacious studies of your deeds!

But know this! I am a might professor in the halls of academe, and I shall not permit the slightest iota of your plan to come to fruition! Know that now, I am your nemesis, the force of justice which brings your nefarious schemes and foolish theories to the executioner!

The Reaction

Invincible Fire Demon: “He sounds really quite upset.”

Prince Rastomil: “He does, I’m afraid. A pity. With a slightly different approach, you might have found quite amazingly helpful and cooperative — in the sense that any help or cooperation from him would have been quite amazing.”

Invincible Fire Demon: “Oh, what do you mean?”

Prince Rastomil: “If Hrone had been right, transaffection would be much more important than it actually is. Outside of this rather peculiar skyboat, I mean. Which would be a major boon to one Mump, Professor of the Study of Transaffection. It couldn’t but help him, perhaps a lot.”

Prince Rastomil: “Still, for whatever reason, he seems to have been moved to quite an astounding fury. What will you do now?”

Hrone: “Write a humble conciliatory letter and hope to get back in the graduate program, at least enough to get my degree.”

Alzagonde: “My plans are unchanged. I have no great use for degrees — several important societies and organizations support me and my intended works!”

Invincible Fire Demon: “Go back home after this trip, study accounting, and go into the Exchequer. I never was much for this theoretical transaffection stuff really.”

Mirrored from Sythyry.

The Preliminary Interrogation

Me: “If I may ask a question about the customs of Hanija, what is the common celebration when one takes a tofyof?” I struggled to remember my Hanijan grammatical markers for questions. “Tasapahu?”

Zu-Sum: “Ropaf, you mean? There is not a great celebration, it is not like a marriage. A married person will properly give a treat to her wife and spouses, as fine a lunch as she can manage, but without the tofyof-to-be. Then after that the official filling out of forms happens, in the early afternoon, and the registration. Afterwards, the keeper and new tofyof take a private meal and night-together in an undistinguished but pleasant place. The next morning the tofyof comes to the keeper’s home, and the keeper spends the day alleviating any jealousy of the spouses.”

Heni: “Honestly, if the spouse is as uncivilized as I am, it may take weeks. Or if the spouse is as generous and well-behaved as Zu-Sum, it may not be necessary at all.”

Me: “I see that there is great wisdom in these customs.” It is important to say something like this when one is about to do utterly otherwise. “Still, most of us have no other spouses to placate, and may prefer greater festivities.”

Zu-Sum: “I cannot see why. Taking a tofyof is a matter of minor concern, and becoming a tofyof is a matter of, arguably, a small degree of shame. Are these things to celebrate?”

Me: “As we are largely transaffectionate, all of our relationships are a matter of some degree of shame. These are less shameful than usual, and that is what we will celebrate.”

Heni: [putting a hand on Zu-Sum's shoulder] “The customs of foreign lands are undeniably foreign to us, though undeniably dear to those whose customs they are.” It is important to say something like this when one utterly despises someone else’s behavior, but wishes to be polite and circumspect.

The Dancers

So, we rented a medium-sized entertainment hall in the Wezisef district. It wasn’t called the Wezisef Hall, but it should have been. We called for a vast buffet dinner, with a dozen of the most delicious and least intimidating foods of Hanija.

Dancers were procured. This also procured a certain degree of drama. I had hired the Yof-Bo Celebratory Dance Company to perform the Seven Gracious Movements, and the Yofhena Delightful Dance Company to perform the traditional Hanijan classic ballet, Tales of Yofpiji.

Any suggestion that I was enjoying the syllable ‘yof’ in all the names is entirely correct.

How could I be so foolish — so willfully wicked and wanton?

Yof-Bo: “What scorpitude is this? We see the wagon of a Delightful Dance Company outside of the entertainment hall!”

Me: “Yes… They’re performing after the ceremony, and you’re performing before it.”

Yof-Bo: “This is beneath dignity and honor! I would sooner cut off my tail than share a rental with them!”

Me: “H’m. How about if you leave before they start?”

Yof-Bo: “As you are a foreigner and thus quite ignorant, I allow you a third of a minute to retract that ignominious suggestion! After such a time has elapsed, I will draw my scimitar and relieve you of your tail!”

Yerenthax: [looming terribly] “I do not permit such a violence.”

Yofhena: [popping his head out of his supply wagon] “Oh! Oh, no! We are ruined! We have committed a terrible act! Surely our costumes and properties will be burned in a fire of vile skunk-maple for this!”

Yof-Bo: “And properly so! How could you dare to challenge a Celebratory Dance Company!”

Yofhena: “Only through the most dark ignorance — which this our employer has produced, as if zie were to fart a vast cloud of elemental miasma that covers the land!”

Yof-Bo: “Upon you and our employer I shall take a most dire revenge!”

Yof-Bo and two of his dancers started a rather tedious pavane on the boardwalk in front of the hall. Dozens of passers-by stopped to stare and point. “The Rite of Ceremonial Disgust!” they whispered. Yofhena knelt by his wagon and started to pound his head against it, very loudly.

Strayway Healer: “He’s going to hurt himself with that.”

Yerenthax: “He is not. The wagon-side is hollow and resonant. They use it as a drum.”

The Rite of Ceremonial Disgust proceeded, with Yof-Bo curtseying to the other two dancers, then waving his hands in big circles. Bystanders gasped in horror.

Me: “What should we do about that?”

Hall Representative: “I have no idea — nobody has ever been so wild-willed as to hire a Celebratory and a Delightful Dance Company at the same time before.”

Jyondre scurried into the Wezisef Hall kitchen, returned with a bucket of fish entrails and onion skins, and tossed it full in Yof-Bo’s face. Many bystanders yowled in laughter. The Celebratory Dance Company packed up and departed in a hurry.

Me: “You are no longer sharing a dance hall with a Celebratory Dance Company. Would you be interested in a somewhat larger contract?”

Yofhena: “Indeed I would!”

The Officials

Four highly-placed and highly-dignified officials of Hanija came to perform the officiations. They were officiant, and efficient.

Unfortunately, the highly-placed and highly-dignified officials of Hanija had stayed for the Delightful Dances.

The Happy Couples and Triples

There was much rejoicing and happiness.

The Unhappy Singles

Arfaen: “Sythyry, I know you’ve been terribly busy, and surely continue to be terribly busy, but might you be willing to give me a bit of company?”

Me: “You look like you’ve been crying, or maybe trying not to. Seeing Mellilot marry someone else must be hard on you.”

Arfaen: “It is. I might get over her sometime, but not now and not for a long while. You look a bit sad too.”

Me: “I miss Mynthë. Zie would have loved this.”

Arfaen: “I’ll distract you if you distract me…?”

Which seemed like an excellent arrangement — one which I have made with her for far less of a reason than that — and so we did.

Mirrored from Sythyry.

Phaniet

Phaniet will take both Este and Mellilot as tofyofs. It is hardly surprising that she is taking Este as a tofyof. The two of them have wanted to have a more formal and legal marriage for years. This is the closest version that they have come up with. Since Phaniet is distinctly higher-status than Este, it even fits the official scheme of tofitude.

It is surprising that Phaniet is taking Mellilot as well. The rest of us had been under the impressions that (a) Phaniet and Este were amusing themselves with Mellilot more or less equally, and (b) it was simply a matter of amusement, nothing more. (a) may still be true — while it is, technically, illegal for Este and Mellilot to indulge themselves carnally with each other (or rather, it will be after the tofitude), I suspect that the enforcement of such laws is rather scanty. I suspect, in fact, that the authorities will not learn about violations of the law, unless someone considers themselves to be forced into it.

(b) certainly surprised us. By “us” I mean Arfaen, who was Mellilot’s girlfriend for years, and, me, who is Phaniet’s boss and frequent co-conspirator. I was not involved in this conspiracy! I am not, ultimately, all that worried about the details. Arfaen is quite distraught, and I have spent two natural and twenty-eight constructed hours in the last few days trying to reconcile her to her fate — Arfaen to Mellilot’s fate, of course. Mellilot is already reconciled. Mellilot, in fact, seems eager.

Yerenthax and Jyondre

Yerenthax will take Jyondre as a tofyof.

In some ways, this is not nearly as surprising. The two of them are thoroughly devoted to each other.

In other ways, the details are quite surprising. Since this was a domestic dispute, they settled it in the traditional heterosexual way. (That’s heterosexual Gormoror way.)

Part 1: Neither one of them really wants to be the tofyof of the other. Both of them volunteered, because such is the depth and perfection of their love that they were both willing to.

Part 2: They agreed that the proper way to resolve the issue of who was to be whose tofyof was to fight a duel with natural weapons in the great and traditional Gormoror tradition of greatness.

Part 3: They had a huge argument about whether knives were suitable dueling weapons, or whether the only proper duel was claws and teeth. Jyondre, as befits the Gormoror man which he is not, argued that claws and teeth were the only dignified weapon for domestic disputes. Yerenthax, whose grasp of tactics and battle-wisdom is far greater than Jyondre’s, noted that Jyondre’s claws and teeth were relatively tiny things, even compared to hers, and both should use knives. Jyondre, in the great Gormoror tradition, lovingly broke a stoneware plate over Yerenthax’s head. So they agreed that it would be claws and teeth.

Part 4: Jyondre snuck into my bedroom and stole a Cloak of Another God cloak. At the actual duel, Jyondre was a brown and brawny Gormoror boy — even calling himself Jyonderex. Yerenthax was giggling so hard that Jyonderex nearly took off her ear in a mighty smash.

Then, of course, she demolished him with brutal skills and vicious clawsomeness, and became the keeper-to-be.

*-Eyes and Dorze

And now, finally, we have official confirmation that Dorze and Temple-Eyes are involved! Temple-Eyes is taking Dorze as a tofyof. This is, as far as I understand, the utterly traditional and correct use of the institution: a same-species married person picking up a bit on the side in a legal way.

Except of course Lithia, Temple-Eyes’s wife, is not really an Orren; she’s a shifter hybrid. And, from all I hear (which is very little), she’s involved with Dorze as well.

If anyone gives them any difficulty, I shall respond with undue and surprising violence.

Arkathia and Frippin

On the whole our students are not particularly taking advantages of the tofyof concept. They are mostly arranged in convenient groupings already. Or, if they are like students when I was that age, they are arranged in groupings they consider convenient today, but will mostly change them around within a few months.

Still, Arkathia is taking Frippin as a tofyof. I do not particularly know them, and they are the same species, but I will congratulate them and generally wish them well at the big tofyoffing party we’re going to have.

Molazasrie and Arkathia

And, in our Important Task of the Infliction of Perversion upon the Innocent Students of Barency, Molazasrie (Rassimel) is going to take Arkathia (Orren) as a tofyof.

Inconnu: “I have converted Molazasrie! I have introduced her to the utter delight that is an eager Orren lover, and she must have one all of her own!”

Prince Rastomil: “While I would not dispute the delights of your brown-furred squirmy embraces, I fear that I must dispute the conversion. Molazasrie was, after all, sent out from Tauvane in disgrace. A topic that we have discussed at great length.”

Hrone: “If my nose does not deceive me, the “great length” you have discussed it at was probably about six inches or so, and you didn’t wash off afterwards.”

Prince Rastomil: “Well, the “great length” started off at about fifteen inches — vertical — of vodka in the bottle. That diminished to zero, and, somehow, further events occurred that might not decrease anyone’s disgrace.”

Inconnu: “Oh, you princer, you! You needed to get her drunk to get her in bed. Not so the Orren! She was more than happy to revel with me, quite sober.”

Hrone: “Inconnu, I do wish you wouldn’t be so careless spouting your stories around. Molazasrie might be in trouble already, but I know for a fact two of your other lovers need to keep your games very secret.”

Inconnu: “I am the very serpent of discretion where it counts!”

Not Hops and Tingula

Hops will not take Tingula as a tofyof, nor vice-versa.

Hops: “I love Tingula. I am not taking her as a concubine or play-toy-girl. Taking her as a tofyof is just reinforcing the popular stereotype that traff-folk are really in it for the kinky sex. Well, I’m in it for love, real solid permanent love, and if I don’t get to marry her in a way that says that, it’s just wrong. I don’t want a teaspoon of it’s-not-right-but-it’s-what-you-get. I want to do it right!”

Phaniet: “I want what I can get. This is more than anywhere else. And I had to work a bit to even get what I wanted — unmarried Cani confuse the system beyond measure.”

Hops: “You are simply kow-towing to a corrupt system devoted to crushing you under its heel. Why the grash-hog you and Sythyry don’t go start a new city-state on a nice clean branch, I do not know.”

Phaniet: “Can you imagine what a city-state that Sythyry set up would be like? Zie’s good at some things, but zie’d run the government like zie runs this ship.”

Me: “Hypothetically, I wouldn’t have to run the goverment.”

Phaniet: “And the city would be a total doom magnet.”

Me: “Oh. Right.”

Mirrored from Sythyry.

A didactic essay by Vind, Alzagond, Hrone, and Invincible Fire Demon.

Much has been written in Ketheria about the Hanijan social role of the ‘tofyof’. Unfortunately, much of what has been written has been written in ignorance, leading to many horrible misunderstandings of this remarkable feature of Hanijan culture.

Ordinary marriage in Hanija is, crucially, a marriage between people of similar social status. By preference, the status will be equal. In practice, it is often necessary to allow one or perhaps two degrees of separation (there are, loosely speaking, seven ranks in Hanija), especially in large upper-class Cani marriages where there simply aren’t enough eligible Cani of the highest degree.

Still, all spouses in a marriage are considered to have the same rank after marriage, and to be equals in all ways. This is not true in practice of course (one spouse may own a bank or a village that the others do not have rights in), but it is a socio-cultural ideal, and honored in law and custom.

In Hanija, as everywhere, not all people are willing to confine their amatory attentions to their spouses at all times. Hanija attempts to regulate this tendency, and to ameliorate its worse abuses and defects, by the creation of the ‘tofyof’ status. (The word comes from tofju, attached, and zo-choyof legalization).

The only form of non-spousal body-play that is legal in Hanija is between a tofyof and their keeper. All other adultery and fornication are punishable by law, in greater or lesser degree. These laws seem to be taken quite seriously: it took our expert investigators several hours longer than usual to find prostitutes. Despite some stories about Hanija, it is far, far from a country of libertines.

A tofyof is assumed to be of lower rank than their keeper — if the tofyof is of a higher or equal rank in reality, their effective rank is lowered for the duration of the tofitude. A typical keeper is, say, a Rassimel of middle years and some financial success — a master-crafter, say, or a doctor or tree-mage — if not actually a noble. The keeper must be or have been married after the fashion for their species, or be of a sufficient age and stature to have been married even if they are not currently married. The tofyof must not be. Beyond that, certain social restrictions that apply to marriage do not apply — in particular, a tofyof may be of a different species or a different city-state than the keeper.

There are a number of laws and customs surrounding tofyofs. Most of these are, remarkably, designed for the protection of the tofyof. There is some historical force to this — in the first decades of the topic, tofyofs were abused in certain famous cases to a serious degree, and the laws were amended and strengthened.

1. Tofitudes are registered with the civic government. (Marriages are not.)
2. A keeper’s spouses may forbid the keeper from having tofyofs, when the tofitude is contracted. If the spouses do not exercise this option then, they must be carefully well-behaved towards the tofyof. Certain offenses that would not require legal action if performed against a passer-by on the street can inspire fines or even beatings: e.g., if the spouse insults the tofyof more than three times in one day, the tofyof can sue for an extra week’s salary, and these suits are generally successful when there is corroborating evidence.
3. Tofyof relationships are for a fixed term — seven years for most species of tofyof, though only one for Orren and four for Herethroy. After this time, the tofitude is dissolved automatically. It may be renewed easily, and (anecdotally) often it is.
4. If the tofitude is dissolved, the former tofyof returns to their prior social status. There seems to be little social stigma attached to having been a tofyof. It is proof that one was (at that time) appealing and compliant, and of low social status: not a particularly good thing, but not a particularly bad thing either. Indeed, many respectable middle-class people were formerly tofyofs, and used their wages from that time as the seed of gaining status.
5. The keeper is required to support the tofyof, providing certain minimums of food, clothing, shelter, entertainment, medical care, and so on, increasing with the rank of the keeper. These are similar to those of a live-in servant. In practice, most tofyofs seem to be treated far better than the minimums.
6. Tofyofs are granted a certain salary, increasing with the rank of the keeper. This salary is placed in an escrow account which the keeper is forbidden on pain of execution (resurrection automatic) to meddle with. Neither keeper nor tofyof can touch the escrow account during the term of the tofitude.
7. The penalties for sexual misconduct — that is, activity outside of the scope of a tofitude or marriage — are variable but generally seem rather higher than in most places. In particular, an unregistered concubinage, in which a high-ranked person takes a lower-ranked lover, makes the law quite wrathful: such relationships can be done legally, so the law is enraged when they are not. (Conversely, naive embraces between lovesick adolescents, say, are punished merely by mild beatings.)
8. A keeper can divorce a tofyof before the end of the term, but in doing so must pay half the estimated remaining upkeep and salary of the tofyof. But it is a serious crime, punishable by execution (resurrection automatic), for the tofyof to attempt to force a divorce.
9. The tofyof is required to be perform certain customary duties, which the law is quite coy about. These can include actual work, but only two-thirds as long and hard as the keeper and spouses are doing — the other one-third being the coyly-described marital duties of the tofyof.
10. Tofyofs are subject to corporal punishment for serious violation of their primary duties — infidelity in particular. (Infidelity between a tofyof and a keeper’s spouse is a very troublesome topic, and about a quarter of the tofyof laws concern it. Much attention is paid to making sure that the spouse is not coercing the tofyof, or that the keeper is not coercing both of them, into unwanted sexual entanglements.) Actually performing the punishment requires a routine visit to a civic court, and the beatings are administered by a court official. (Servants, by contrast, can be cuffed several times a day without such formalities.)
11. A tofyof has either a single keeper who is not a Cani, or a married Herethroy triad collectively considered their keeper, or a full Cani marriage who each individually is their keeper.
12. Children from the union of a keeper and tofyof are legitimate children of the keeper, and must be adopted by the keeper’s other spouses. (This is often used in same-sex marriages.) The tofyof retains certain quasi-parental rights with respect to them even after the end of the tofitude.
13. There are certain species-specific further laws. Cani, for example, can only keep tofyofs if all the Cani spouses in a marriage enter separate, independent tofitudes with the tofyof — in practice, Cani are all but forbidden to keep tofyofs, for it is quite expensive. The theory behind this is that Cani instinctively share with their spouses, but it is a humiliation and an inappropriateness for a tofyof to be shared, so the tofyof must be kept by all concerned.

There is no great dignity to being a tofyof. It is better than being a prostitute (which is illegal) or seduced (which is also illegal but less often punished). It is not quite a humiliating social position, and a significant number of respectable people in society were tofyofs in their early years. Indeed, it is a means for social mobility — a low-ranked person who serves as the tofyof of a prince is likely to be mid-ranked afterwards, due to the salary, connections, and training in upper-class manners that come from the connection.

First Steps towards a Statistical Understanding

The civic records of Hanija are open to Hanijans. Our well-paid Hanijan informant was able to acquire statistics of the last hundred tofitudes entered. Of these, 78 were same-species and 22 were different-species. Contrary to previous essays on this topic, we find that even in Hanija, same-species relationships are greatly preferred.

Furthermore, seventeen of the twenty-two different-species tofyofs were Orren. This fact, plus a certain amount of listening to people talk, suggests that Orren tofyofs are — or can be — taken far more lightly than those of other species. They may be regarded far more as medium-term prostitutes than the quasi-marriage that tofyofs of other species enjoy. (The rights of Orren tofyofs are the same, but the duration of the tofitude is one year rather than seven, and thus the costs of early divorce are far less.) It was impossible to tell which of these seventeen are people who particularly enjoy Orren, and which are people who wanted some extra-marital attention but wanted to keep the costs and potential difficulties under control and were willing to accept an Orren in that role.

Twenty of the hundred tofitudes sampled were renewals. This suggests that, though tofitudes are intended as short-term matters, a significant number of them result in long-term relationships. (Anecdotal evidence confirms this: we met one Rassimel tofyof who entered tofitude in her adolescence, and has renewed it nineteen times, though she and her keeper are quite old and decrepit.)

On the Social Status of Keepers

The civic style of Hanija seem to change every two decades or so. Currently, tofyofs are in-style. Anyone respectable who can afford to keep one, does so. More precisely, a crude attempt at a statistical sample of forty high-ranked adults found that thirty-one of them had tofyofs, for a total of thirty-four tofyofs. Two decades ago, the number would have been more like ten or twelve.

An even less reliable attempt at statistics suggests that a gap of approximately two or three ranks (out of the seven that Hanija recongizes) between keeper and tofyof is preferred. Larger and smaller gaps are certainly known: indeed, last decade, an unmarried child of the royal family was a tofyof to a mere but married guildmaster two ranks below him, as that was the only way to consummate their love legally. This situation was considered quite romantic, but fairly foolish. The royal’s rank was restored upon their automatic divorce.

Towards an Ethical Understanding of Tofitude

Our impression is that tofitude does not so much encourage or legitimize as regulate. The relationships that it governs are common in all places — powerful and high-ranked people, by a variety of means, command the sexual attention of weaker and lower-ranked people, of whatever prime species. The tofyof laws do not say that this is a good thing. They seek to minimize the damage that it inspires — in effect protecting the tofyof against the keeper and the keeper’s spouses.

With this understanding, we consider the tofyof laws to be good laws. However, we would not, ourselves, choose to be tofyofs. We can, at least, understand how someone else might choose that — under the pressure of penury, or under the pressure of passion. And, if we were somehow required by whatever pressures to be concubines, we would prefer to do so under the formal laws and protections of Hanija, rather than the informal customs and scant protections of (let us say) Barency.

Mirrored from Sythyry.

We hired a dignified Rassimel man named either Kupozo or Kuhozo (I never figured it out), who wears a truly impressive corded orange frock and more ribbons than I could count in my whole life — or at least, more than I could attach to my body — and whose every action and movement bespeaks the gravest dignity and forethought. I am sure we are paying sixty lozens for the frock alone, with another forty lozen surcharge for the ribbons. Hopefully he will be worth it.

Kupozo: “It is unusual, to say the least, for foreigners to engage a solicitor immediately upon their arrival in Hanija. One might be moved to wonder if you have illegal — or potentially-illegal — activities to engage in.”

Me: “I don’t think so. Some of us are interested in the theoreticial ramifications and intricatices of the tofyof laws…”

Phaniet: “And some of us are interested in the most practical applications!”

Me: “And, since we have managed to get quite severely misinformed about them …”

Grinwipey: “We want what is red and blue!”

Me: “What?”

Lithia: “We want what is true, he means. Not that I’m worried about it myself. I’m already married”

Kuhozo: “For a truly remarkable fee — explicable only if one considers my costume — I will be glad to explain matters to you and offer both theoretical and practical advice. And as a necessary codicil to that agreement, I note that our conversations are considered evidence.”

The Crucial Question

Invincible Fire Demon: “The crucial question is, can a tofyof be a different prime species from the keeper?”

Kupozo: “Indeed, certainly. How could one imagine otherwise?”

Vind: “And can a tofyof be the same prime species as the keeper?”

Kuhozo: “Certainly, indeed. How could one imagine otherwise?”

Hrone: “Which is more common?”

Kupozo: “I should have to say that same-species tofyofs are far and away more common.”

Alzagond: “Is there any punishment or treatment for keepers with different-species tofyofs?”

Kuhozo: “No more than for any other legally-permissible activity.”

Alzagond: “Does this not shred the moral fiber of your city-state, rendering it as repugnant as a pool of rotting eel entrails left in the heat of the hot-Surprise day?”

Kupozo: “Ahem. It does not. People are going to take adulterous lovers, concubines, other-species lovers, same-sex lovers, lower-class lovers, foreign lovers, non-prime lovers, less-than-adult lovers, nonsentient lovers, conjured-elemental lovers, and all manner of such things in any case. No amount of law or custom could prevent that. The tofyof laws single out those cases which are not utterly horrid, and regulate them so that the weak and innocent are not harmed. The utterly horrid cases — adulterous, non-prime, less-than-adult, and so on — are of course altogether illegal. The rest, perhaps regrettable and perhaps merely inevitable, are made safe for all concerned. And what, after all, is the purpose of law, except to keep people safe?”

Alzagond: “I would hope it was to keep people decent as well. I suppose I would not say that someone who has fallen into transaffection is safe — that is a terrible spiritual injury!”

Me: “No, it’s not. Healoc Spiridor, and Healoc Mentador for that matter, do nothing at all to transaffection. Decency doesn’t exist.”

Alzagond: “Decency exists! You have simply never encountered it in your lifetime!”

Me: “Decency is like language, say: it’s not a substance that any form of magic can detect or manipulate.” (Which is only approximately true, even for language. I don’t know much about the magical treatment of decency; there is little theory and less practice.)

Kuhozo: “Decency is a legal concept in Hanija, and one that is not casually defied. The tofyof laws are entirely decent.”

Invincible Fire Demon: “So, what are the basic tofyof laws?”

Kupozo: “I now present a two-thirds-of-an-hour lecture upon that matter!”

Students: “We take careful notes!”

Practical Tofitude

Phaniet: “Suppose I would like to formalize my relationship with Este — the Rassimel man who was here at the beginning of the session but seems to have wandered off — under Hanijan law. What would I do?”

Kuhozo: “Well, for you, it will be difficult.”

Phaniet: “What, because I am foreign?”

Kupozo: “Because you are Cani. All of your spouses must also take him as their tofyof as well. This is difficult to arrange in most cases, and quite expensive. I have only twice helped a Cani family take a tofyof.”

Phaniet: “Well, I am not married.”

Kuhozo: “What? Not married, a Cani, at your age?”

Phaniet: “Precisely.”

Kupozo: “That introduces another set of difficulties! The laws concerning tofyofs generally require that the keeper be married according to the usual customs of her species.” He held up a hand to shush Phaniet, which somehow actually worked. “Extra legalities must be observed, exceptions which are routinely made must be made. Formalities only; they are never denied. Less of a formality: is this Este willing to endure the morganaticity, and accept a lower social status than you for the duration of his tofitude?”

Phaniet: “He does already, I think. I’m one of the captain’s closest advisors and friends, and he’s just a handyman and carpenter.”

Me: “A good carpenter!”

Phaniet: “A good carpenter, and the love of my life. And even in Vheshrame, a full step lower in social status than me.”

Kuhozo: “Allow me to instruct you in the rights he will have, and your responsibilities to him.” And a third of an hour later, he concluded with “Are you prepared for all of that?”

Phaniet: “I can’t insult him more than three times in one day? Or he can sue me?”

Kupozo: “I’m afraid that is the case.”

Phaniet: “I’ll have to watch my tongue then! Still, I get to inflict corporal punishment if he violates his tofyoffy duties?”

Kuhozo: “No. The court may inflict corporal punishment. It is an administrative manner, not an actual court case, but it has to be done properly. You cannot so much as box his ears, as you would an ordinary servant.”

Phaniet: “I suppose that will have to do!”

Me: “Do you actually swat him at all?”

Phaniet: “You do not need to know the full details of our soon-to-be-marriage bed!”

Me: “I am going to go hide in the fireplace for a while now.”

And so it is that Phaniet and Este are going to get married. Well, not married exactly, but Este will become Phaniet’s full and legal concubine, which is the closest any of us have come to that.

I am writing this while sitting in a fireplace in the dining hall. From under the table I can see the legs and tail of Yerenthax and Jyondre, as they debate which of them will be the tofyof of the other.

• They don't have English lyrics.  
• They are fairly upbeat and energetic.
• They suggest Sythyry (or World Tree stuff), or a mood you'd like to see more of in Sythyry, or something like that.
• They are available as MP3s on Amazon or iTunes, or you can send them to me, or something.