OOC -- Wrongest Critical Miss Table Of All

[sythyry]

OOC -- I'm (probably) too sick to write a Sythyry today. In the spirit of Castle Wrong, and the fact that Sythyry is based in a RPG, please contribute suggestions to make this the Wrongest Critical Miss Table Of All. (Not for World Tree, since it talks about undead and WT doesn't have undead. Kinda for anything-or-nothing-in-particular.)

Critical Miss (Fumble) Table.

(*)ed items do not apply to undead, though nothing in the rule system tells you whether they do not apply when the opponent is undead, when you are undead, both, or neither.

1. Drop your weapon
2. Break your weapon
3. Get shampoo in eyes.
4. Belch loudly enough to amuse opponent (*)
5. Break wind loudly enough to amuse opponent (*)
6. Accidentally grant opponent knighthood (*)
7. Discover that opponent has made you pregnant. (*)
8. Hit an ally
9. Hit yourself
10. Accidentally buy small present for opponent.
11. Invite opponent to birthday party (*)
12. Fall down
13. Call opponent by the name of a former lover
14. Die for d4 rounds (*)
15. Lay an egg.
16. Realize that your watch is slow.
17. Realize that your watch is fast.
18. Celestial waitresses appear and serve hamburgers to everyone in the melee, except you.
19. Realize that your watch is stopped.

Comments

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

20. Send all gold to Nigeria

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

Did you ever see some of the Rolemaster/MERP critical fail tables? They had some gloriously inspired ones in there:

"Worst move seen in ages. -60 to activity from a pulled groin. Opponents stunned three rounds laughing."

"Stumble over an imaginary unseen deceased turtle. You are very confused."

The critical successes were equally good.

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

I will always remember rolling, "Fetch a mop."

[relee.livejournal.com]

Anime Style Facefault.
Accidentally heal opponent.

[redbird]

Attempt a formal banishing and discover that your holy book has been replaced by a 1957 Vladivostok telephone directory.

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

21. Accidentally set your opponent's watch.
22. Hit the ground in exactly the right spot to destroy Haiti.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

23. You lose The Game

[kensan-oni.livejournal.com]

24. You remember you have a cake in the oven
25. You trip over the cake
26. You Burst out of the top of a cake
27. You hit yourself with cake

... maybe i should have lunch...

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

28. You realize the cake is a lie.

[kris-schnee.livejournal.com]

Inflict damage in Hit Points, Body Points or Wounds, whichever doesn't exist in this game setting.
Attack misses and blinds you for d6 rounds due to overabundance of lens flares and dramatic close-ups.
Inflict i damage on yourself; your Hit Points are now complex.
Acupuncture-like strike harmlessly soothes enemy's nerves and rebalances their chi.
Fall in love with opponent.
Enemy dies and is instantly reincarnated as a much more powerful foe.
Enemy eats your weapon.
Enemy eats you, spits you out and copies your powers.
Enemy eats you and lays you as an egg.
Cleave own belt/suspenders.
Inflict cool haircut.
Cut hole in reality, revealing alternate universe and/or backstage area.

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

I APPLAUD the idea of complex hit points...

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

29. Develop new sexual fetish

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

Is this a critical failure or a critical success?

[aprivatefox.livejournal.com]

• Become immediately and cripplingly aware of your own fictional nature. 1d8 existential damage, stunned for 1d6 rounds or until your player convinces you if your own reality.
• Comical failure, all observers must save or be stunned laughing for 1d6 rounds. Roll a d12 for specifics:
  • 1: Three Stooges Eyepoke. Deal 1d2+1 damage to enemy
  • 2-4: Pratfall. Take 1d3 falling damage and become prone.
  • 5-8: Walk into object. Take 1d6 damage
  • 9-11: Slip and land on back. Take 1d4 damage, become prone, and stunned for 1de rounds.
  • 12: Accidentally hit self in genitals. Take 1d6 bludgeoning damage, stunned for 1d3 rounds, +2 rounds to laughter for all observers.

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

Can I trade you a π-sided die for your e-sided one?

[aprivatefox.livejournal.com]

That would just be irrational, wouldn't it?

(That started life as a typo, but I had to leave it in. =)

[psaakyrn.livejournal.com]

Mildly related to point 1: Find yourself wondering if it's all a dream (hence letting it apply to anything else)

[kensaro.livejournal.com]

-Hit an alley.
-Cut shoelaces, (50-50 chance own or opponent's.)

Critical fail

[waywind.livejournal.com]

Wardrobe malfunction.

[fringe-worthy.livejournal.com]

Extreme Friendly Fire incident.

Person to the left of the GM takes over game for 3d6 rounds.

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

* Spend 1d5 turns debating with your opponent on the nature of 'reality'. First person to bring up the relationship between black holes and icicles wins the debate (which may have no relation to the battle.)
* Have a major mathematical breakthrough!
* Appropriate music plays.
* Tea and crumpets. Now.
* Sea and trumpets. Now.
* Cause the extinction of one sub-species of beetle. You monster!