For Heaven’s Sake [24 Consimbs 4385]

[sythyry]

Mirrored from Sythyry.

Back in Large Fruit, the crowd of Elfimel who came to see us had grown.

Grinwipey: “So, d’you wingerheads have anything by way of intoxicants around here?”

Elfimel α: “In Thick Petals, where you have told us your sky-boat rests, the very petals themselves are a wonderful intoxicant, stronger than any other available in any universe!”

Grinwipey: “Oh, is it now? How’d you find that out? Did you travel your persqualey butt over to every other universe and sample every wine, every arrack, every akvavit, every vodka, every whiskey, every kumiss, every brandy? To say nothing of jenevers, lagers, kilju, tepache, absinthe, crème de cassis, and, of course, altvater. A fugging chugging-jug of altvater.”

Elfimel α: “Oh, no! I’ve never tried any of those.”

Grinwipey: “Then perhaps you better try a Brandy Virtuoso from the Tilley Ebrang in Vheshrame. One sip of that, one wave of it under your clonching nose, and you will be transport t’the realm of dizzy inebriation for two happy and very very spinning cycles.” He spun around in the air, his tentacles splaying out in all directions, to illustrate.

Elfimel β: “Oh, me, oh, my! “

Grinwipey: “Or even a Spunçançao from the Mud-Bar in Eigrach. You’d think you had eight legs not two, and you’d be glimberpucked to stand up even with eight of ‘em!” (The Mud-Bar is a real place in Eigrach, one of a hundred bars of no great distinction. If they have a Spunçançao on the menu, they imported it from Mrasteia. And on Mrasteia it is not so strong; it contains wine, bitter lime, strong tea, salt, a splash of brandy, and a small raw oyster — the latter being a replacement of something far more personal and far less suitable for appearing on a bar menu, in the original form. Hard to drink, since there’s that oyster; I’ve never liked them. If they got stronger in Eigrach, I wouldn’t know; I never had one there. Most likely Grinwipey is embroidering the truth, or more.

Elfimel α: “No Elfimel could go to such a place! We are made for Heaven, and in Heaven we shall forever remain!”

Grinwipey: “Awww, you poor little taber-flabers, can’t get your snilts off the fregma or even sip a raunchy staunchy. Well, you can go sprillip yourselves up and rejoice now, for good Gogmogger Grinwipey is here t’help you. I personally will go off to the Tilley Ebrang, the Mud-Bar, and I’ll even throw in Gutrumy House for extraness, and I will bring you back the best of the best that they serve there!”

Elfimel β: “Oh, would you? You are the kindest and most generous of seven-tentacled aerial cephalopods!”

Grinwipey: “Yeah, that’s me, a big floatin’ puddle of clunduddle ‘n kindness, sprinkling my own brand of pure joy over Heaven like a young puppy bein’ held out a window.”

Elfimel α: “You are! Oh, we rejoice in the blessing of Mircannis, that such visitors have come to visit with us!”

Elfimel β: “Our happiness is sublime, though postponed!”

Grinwipey: “Yeah, soon as we get the trumblerlate offa this cosmogruntic donut and back. One thing, though. If I’m doing you a big favor like that, maybe you c’n see your beer clear t’doing one for me?”

Elfimel α: “What is that — oh, what favor is that, delightly Grinwipey who knows all worlds and all their drinks?”

Grinwipey: “Oh, nothing much. Just a few scraps ‘o metal. Shaffing keepsakes of Heaven, wouldn’t you know? Help get back here too, like arcane connections, and that’s the telps.”

Elfimel α: “We’ll get you some! One of the silver pyramids is unravelly, we’ll break some off of that for you!”

Grinwipey: “Well, thankey-wankey.”

(I suspect we can only carry a modest amount of metal to the World Tree with us before getting Tenmen unpleasantly involved. I suspect that Grinwipey knows how much we can bring back — I do not. I am sure that Grinwipey plans to use up our entire quota on himself, and is doing it this way to ensure that he has a prior claim.)

Elfimel γ: “Thankee-what?”

Grinwipey: “Wankey. Like what you can do with your paw when your girlfriend has a headache.”

Elfimel γ: “Girlfriend? Headache?”

Grinwipey: “Aww, a world full of naked girlimels and nobody’s got a streffing girlfriend? I’m a shoggy-only kind of shoggy, but I know enough to mourn m’ears off at that! Or I would if I had ears anyhow.” This took a certain amount of explanation.

Elfimel γ: “What? … Oh! The chambers of Showers and Fountains are devoted to the arts of pleasuring the bodies of other Elfimel. Headaches are unknown in Heaven! When we enter either of those chambers, we split up by twos and threes, and give ourselves to them amongst the pouring waters, which are also convenient for cleaning up afterwards. Or, if we do not wish such recreations, we simply walk briskly through to the far door. But we have no girlfriends here! Since we do not know who each other has been or will be, each time is as intense and spicy and fascinating as the first time together, as pure and poignant as the last!”

Phaniet: [quietly, to Este] “I am not going to get into a debate about that, I am not, I am so not.”

Este: [quietly, to Phaniet] “I dunno. I bet there are some cissies who’d be happy with an endless supply of girls they didn’t have to think about afterwards. I’m sticking with my Cani though, and you don’t need to give me that look!”

At which point those of us in Strayway stopped watching our distant friends, for an angry god broke down the door.

Comments

[sianmink.livejournal.com]

Ya know, the Elfimel seem to bring out quite a different Grinwipey than usual. He's all interested and chatty and even friendly!

Oh and there's the doom.

[rowyn]

Grinwipey is always interested in profit!

[kris-schnee.livejournal.com]

I think Grinwipey is one of those Khytsoyis who go out of their way to play dumb thug without actually being one. We already know he can outwit Saza from that blackmail incident long ago!

"every wine, every arrack, every akvavit, every vodka, every whiskey, every kumiss, every brandy? To say nothing of jenevers, lagers, kilju, tepache, absinthe, crème de cassis, and, of course, altvater. A fugging chugging-jug of altvater."

What about the Tree's version of gin-and-tonic? I hear every world has a drink by a similar name, though not necessarily with anything else in common.

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

The closest I know of to gin-and-tonic is a drink called a 'bitter koshslosh', consisting of a shot of strong spirits (one could use gin if one wished) and a spoonful of koshesta tincture in a mug of a hopless beer. Koshesta tincture is also used as a vermifuge or a mild laxitive, so it's somewhat similar to the medicinal properties of tonic water, I suppose.

[kris-schnee.livejournal.com]

[It's a Douglas Adams reference. Every world is said to have a drink with a name like "gin and tonic", whether it's actually tap water or something that "kills cows at fifty paces". Xenolinguists are said to have discussed the coincidence and "gone off to drown their sorrows with a couple of Ouiskian Zodahs".]

[rowyn]

You think he plays dumb? Huh. I never thought he sounded stupid. Incomprehensible and low class, yes. Stupid, no.

[kensan-oni.livejournal.com]

There is a long established sense that low class means dumb and uneducated in this world. I can't imagine it being that different in World Tree, which places more emphasis on education, really.

[rowyn]

Yay! You get to meet Thefefy! And maybe even you'll get to find out if Vae can take her in a fight! Since she's indestructible, maybe imprisoning her in a pocket of thick space will work for a while.

[bloofox.livejournal.com]

I'm betting on Vae! (After all, the story would get awfully boring if Thefefy annihilated you.)

[shurhaian.livejournal.com]

Oh. Dearie.

I find myself wondering just what, in particular, this god is particularly angry at. hCevian's presence would be one possibility that can be dealt with with relatively little doom - he's not there causing harm, and will be taken away when you go, etc.

Grinwipey's attitude, on the other hand, might be a little more difficult to keep in check.

Jyondre and Yerenthax seem to be harmless enough in what they're doing, though there's a "shoot the messenger" possibility there - blame them for the rediscovery of the dissidents

Augh cliffhanger! x.x

[kensan-oni.livejournal.com]

Well, it's about darn time!

I hope that the God will simmer down quick enough to enjoy some tea. Someone has tea in a pot, don't they? Good! Fetch the Tea! Quick!

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

Having anyone kicking down a door is never a good thing, but when they're kicking down your door, that makes it a Bad Thing^TM.

When that person is a god, it gets a free upgrade to Very Bad Thing^TM.

And not all free things are good.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

On the other paw, door kicking seems a relatively lowly expression of divine rage.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

It is not expressly stated that the door is kicked. For all we know, it could have been exploded!

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

That's still not exactly one of the Ten Great Plagues.

[ionotter.livejournal.com]

I've never presumed that a deity pissed-off enough to make a personal appearance will take "the high road"...

[delight-in.livejournal.com]

Oh no and Yerenthrax hasn't even tried to rescue the Elfimel yet! And the god is mad at you already! That can't be good.

[zeeth_kyrah]

I wonder if she was angry because she got lost in Strayway?

[kensan-oni.livejournal.com]

Hey, they stopped at the local gods shrine, and didn't offer prayers, or offerings, or anything! I'd be annoyed, too. You're suppose to leave things at a temple!

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

She's been storming in to drive off hCevian this whole time, but only just found her way to the right parlor?

[delight-in.livejournal.com]

Ohhh I bet that ticks gods off too! No one likes getting lost.

[mmsword.livejournal.com]

Oh, I imagine it is time for applied theology now.