(no subject)

[sythyry]

Protocols of Embezzlement

Dear Lord Eddarna,

You asked for a clear and informal accounting to the Exchequer, or my name is Spendrel Samm. Here it is, fog-face, clear as mud and twice as informal. I -- and by "I" I mean me, which is to say, myself, not including anyone of any other species I might be boinking at the moment, and certainly not including your darling daughter Moria -- I, I repeat, I, acquired one (1) paper doll. It was a pretty good paper doll. Like, it was torn out of a whole sheet of paper. And it was drawn in pencil. Not just any medium, not like it was drawn with the menstrual blood of chromodons or something boring like that. We're talking genuine Oorah Thrassen pencil here. genuine! And the arms and legs and tail are fastened on with little bits of bone too. I think we're talking genuine pocker bone here, but it might be lamb or something. I dunno.

With me so far? I got this paper doll.

So I sold this paper doll. For cash. Specifically for 5100 lozens.

The share of the Zi Ri who copulates enthusiastically with Orren was 4533 lozens. The share of the Cani who copulates enthusiastically with Sleeth was 566 lozens. This Cani was not part of the original proposal, but the Zi Ri was unable to sell the paper doll on zir own. The assistance of the Cani was crucial. Without this assistance, there would be no proper embezzling. The Zi Ri would just have a stupid paper doll in zir closet. Alas! Fortunately, the perverted Cani was able to sell the paper doll for the price of a very nice horse, so both the perverted Cani and the perverted Zi Ri have plenty of embezzled cash to indulge their own affairs which are not really Exchequer affairs. (As far as we know the perverted Cani does not indulge in affairs per se, preferring to be faithful to her wrong-species lover. The same goes for certain perverted Rassimel that we are aware of, to the best of our knowledge.)

I am not sure where the other lozen went. Maybe it was a tip for the Sleeth. In this case it probably bought a ground groundnut and chocolate pie. I am fairly sure that it did not go to an Orren who copulates enthusiastically with Rassimel, or even to a Rassimel who copulates enthusiastically with Orren. I will ask them the next time I see them, if I am thusly instructed by Your Most Loble Nordship of the Exchequeer.

In any case, I do not have the other lozen. I am sorry for this flaw in my accounting.

With all diligent service to the Duke, who is getting his city protected from two very dangerous nendrai without having to spend a terch on it by a perverted Zi Ri -- and who knows it!, I remain,

yr hmbl svt,

Sythyry

I think that Lord Eddarna ought to find fulfilment in finally getting an embezzlement report out of me! Don't you?

Comments

[bikerwalla.livejournal.com]

O Zi Ri,

Perhaps one should sleep off the brandy before sealing the letter.

[archadia.livejournal.com]

I will drink to that!

[xyzzysqrl]

No no no no no no! That way it'll NEVER get slept off!

[heavenscalyx.livejournal.com]

Seconded. Or thirded. Or something.

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

Perfect! Now use mutoc snarkidor to transmute it into something a lot more subtle, and you're good to go!

Unless you really really want to piss off Eddarna? I wouldn't want to, but I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to authority.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

I think all Lord Eddarna really wants is:

Embezzled: one (1) paper doll of divine origin
Sold with assistance from a discreet Cani friend
Total sale price: 5100 lozens
Commission to seller: 566 lozens
Tip to messenger: 1 lozen
Personal profit: 4533 lozens

First embezzlement: priceless

[greenreaper.livejournal.com]

There are some thing lozens can't buy.
For everything else, there's Sythyry.
Accepted by perverted Cani, Orren, Herethroy . . .

*laugh*

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

Impolitic but gratifying; I'm sure he deserved that.

[rowyn]

Please tell me you actually sent this. Or didn't! I must know!

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

It's right there in my next entry!

[rowyn]

Your next entry is a meme!

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

I lie!

[rowyn]

*cries*

[zeeth_kyrah]

Deliberately teasing the Doom... Either brandy makes you braver, or you have decided to make a stand on the other side of the leaf.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

Strictly speaking, isn't this larceny rather than embezzlement?

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

Technically the duke owns it, 'cause it's adventured treasure. I think. Maybe my translator's head is up its ass, assuming it has both of those body parts, which I rather doubt.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

Yes, but since you were never granted 'the right to possess, use, and/or access the assets in question', your access to the doll was trespassory in nature.

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

OK, definitely a translator problem.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

If you really want to make some money, ask Lord Eddarna if he'd like to buy any 'Credit Default Swaps'

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

My translator phrased that as "Ask Lord Eddarna if he'd like to beg Flokin to sit on his treasury." I suspect skullduggery or, if I am feeling generous, drunkenness.

[stormydragon.livejournal.com]

It's a very devious form of pattern magic. When you graft it, it appears to be a Creoc spell, but when you cast it, it turns out to be destroc. So things wouldn't turn out very well for Lord Eddarna. You'd make out like gangbusters though.

[redbird]

Your translator is probably sober. Unfortunately, it is describing a complex pattern of fraud that seems to have been driven in part by illusion spells and in part by intoxication.