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[sythyry]

How To Help One's Ex-Boyfriend Impregnate His Wife [4 Trandary 4262]

To remind you: Ysgwyd was asking me for my erotic assistance in maintaining Ilottat's interest for long enough so that he would be able to impregnate Ysgwyd.

Me:"Well, first of all, does Ilottat actually want to render you gravid?"

Ysgwyd:"What's gravid?"

Delframber:"Pregnant, dear. Pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Well, no. Duh, Sythyry, duh. We're talking Ilottat here. Mister Fuck*ng Lizard Brain, remember?"

Me:"I do remember something about that, in fact. But I was asking something a bit different. I know he does not care for the act of impregnation, but does he actually want you parturient?"

Ysgwyd:"Parturient?"

Delframber:"Pregnant, dear. Pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Oh, that. Yeah, he kinda wants kids sometime."

Me:"But 'sometime' is very different from 'in about one gestation's length', is it not, Ysgwyd?"

Ysgwyd:"Gestation?"

Delframber:"Pregnancy, dear. Pregnancy."

Ysgwyd:"How the fuck*ing fuck would I know?"

Me:"You could have asked him if he wishes for you to provide him with an heir."

Ysgwyd:"Provide him with an heir?"

Delframber:"Become pregnant, dear ... become pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Why the fuck*ng fuck should I talk to him? He's only my husband!"

Me:"He may also be the one to put a bun in your oven."

Ysgwyd:"Bun in my oven?"

Delframber:"Pregnant, dear. Pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Well, if any Orren gets to copulate with me, he ought to feel fuck*ng honored. It's not like I do that sort of thing on a regular basis! Orren-on-Orren fornication involving me is a fuck*ng privelege!"

Me:"True -- but Ilottat feels the same way. And without his help, you may be forced to resort to a male prostitute to knock you up."

Ysgwyd:"Knock me up?"

Delframber:"Make you pregnant, dear. ... Make you pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Which gets us back to where we started. Are you in on this project, or are you not in?"

Me:"I'm in."

Ysgwyd:"I knew you couldn't do it. Sythyry, you look like a lizard, but you're a ch*ckenshit coward."

Me:"I'm in!"

Ysgwyd:"You pleasure yourself with my husband for weeks and weeks and weeks, performing exquisite intimacies that are so perfectly to your taste and his, and you don't fuck*ng agree to help me out when I want a turn with him?"

Me:"I'm in, I'm in!"

Ysgwyd:(An astounding display of vehement virulence and virulent vehemence about my refusal to help her out.)

Me:"I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!"

Delframber:"Zie's in."

Ysgwyd:"Oh! Why didn't you say so, Sythyry?"

Me:"I wanted to hear more of your famous insults."

Ysgwyd:"So here's the plan. You fly over to the embassy, make up with him, and make out with him. When he's all ready to squirt, I'll pop out of the invisibility spell where Delframber will have been diddling me, mount im quick, get preggers, and then tell him what's going on."

Me:"No."

Ysgwyd:"No?"

Delframber:"Zie said 'I have a better plan'."

Ysgwyd:"No, zie didn't."

Me:"Actually, I did."

Ysgwyd:"Don't be silly, it's a fine plan."

Me:"How about this. You hire a prostitute of whatever species, I give the prostitute a bound Cloak of Another God to turn them into a Zi Ri, and you have the prostitute fluff Ilottat and Delframber fluff you while he gets you up the duff."

Ysgwyd:"Up the duff?"

Delframber:"Pregnant, dear. Pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Are you sure it doesn't fuck*ng mean 'anal intercourse'?"

Delframber:"It can mean ... that too ... but more often ... it means pregnant."

Ysgwyd:"Well, he fuck*ng better get the right meaning if he's tupping me! Bad enough that I have to perform marital conjugations with someone of the same species, but if he gets the wrong hole I'll have to fuck*ng do it twice!"

Me:"And pay your prostitute overtime."

Ysgwyd:"So what's the deal with this prostitute anyways? Friend of yours?"

Me:"I wasn't recommending anyone in particular. I just don't want to do it myself."

Ysgwyd:"You lost your fuck*ng taste for intimate entanglements with Orren?"

Me:"No. I'd kind of like to get back together with Ilottat, actually. My current sweetie isn't that into Zi Ri. But I don't want any more doom in my life! I think Ilottat might not appreciate me screwing him just now. We broke up on rather bad terms."

Ysgwyd:"Hey, any breakup where nobody's bleeding from more than two wounds isn't 'rather bad terms'."

Me:"Perhaps not. In any case, I would like Ilottat to know that I wish him well -- that I apologise to him for everything he thinks I did -- and that I would like to see him again."

Ysgwyd:"Apologize?"

Delframber:"Get pregnant ... or at least ... perform the actions ... which could ... if Sythyry were ... Orren ... lead to pregnancy ... dear. Get pregnant ... or at least ... perform the actions ... which could ... if Sythyry were ... Orren ... lead to pregnancy."

Ysgwyd:"Oh. Right. Got it."

Me:"Deal?"

Ysgwyd:"Deal?"

Delframber:"Pregnancy, dear. Pregnancy."

Ysgwyd:"Wrong-o!" She turned back to me. "Deal! When can I get the spell?"

I bound it to a kathia stirring stick.

Me:"Right now!"

Which is far less doom than I imagined would ever be possible with Ysgwyd!

Comments

Mixed Content

[zhaleskra.livejournal.com]

Well, that does answer some of my questions about how people on the World Tree feel about certain types of terrestrial sexuality. --ba

"I understand she's upset, but you'd think she could get more creative with her swears than just 'fuck'. Well, she did use 'shit' too, didn't she?" - Z.

Re: Mixed Content

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

(ba): What were the questions? I don't know that any of the three of us can be considered to be typical.

(z): Yes... and, oddly, she never used 'fuck' for its literal meaning.

Re: Mixed Content

[kistaro]

Assuming your obscenities are indeed compatible with ours and it has been translated properly, this piece of classic drivel seems appropriately inappropriate.

"I was walking along on this fucking fine morning, fucking sun shining away, little country fucking lane, and I meets up with this fucking girl. Fucking lovely she was, so we gets into fucking conversation and I takes her over a fucking gate into a fucking field and we had sexual intercourse."

Re: Mixed Content

[zhaleskra.livejournal.com]

Well, World Tree does talk pretty openly about sexualities that aren't always accepted terrestrially and are downright illegal on some parts of the planet.

So I guess it really boils down to one question: does the openness toward sexuality extend to cover Earth-style fetishes? --ba

"And here I thought Khtsoyis were supposed to be the foul-mouthed ones." - Zhaleskra

Re: Mixed Content

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

Some people do talk about them, some don't.

Nobles in Vheshrame are a decadent lot, and willing to talk about decadent kinds of fetishes if they can do so in decadent language. (This is not universally true -- Levande, for one, is not, and you can't get too much higher in the nobility than Levande.)

My particular interest (well, transaffection in general) is considered an acceptable amusement for the upper classes, as long as it remains an amusement. Nestrune, for one, does it right. My own preference for deeper emotional involvement is not wholly appropriate, and not really a suitable topic for polite society.

I haven't seen your particular interest, um, on anyone, except of course Ficina. I haven't looked particularly. I must admit that I do not know how to describe it in suitably decadent language.

Ysgwyd is a Khtsoyis-wannabe. Delframber is an Orren-wannabe. It's very confusing.

Re: Mixed Content

[zhaleskra.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you for your answers. --ba

[mmsword.livejournal.com]

Alas, this is but a preamble to Doom.

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

I doubt that very much!

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

The plan is young!

Amewsed

[winterbeast.livejournal.com]

This is the funniest entry I have seen in sometime...
Delframber being a perfect straightman.
Funny that Delframber is holding on best to whatever couth can be had in this scene. wish there were more potentially good souls like him about.

Winterbeast

[cattitude.livejournal.com]

Vizzini: Inconceivable!

Delframber: Impregnable, dear. Impregnable.

Inigo Montoya: ... that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[kris-schnee.livejournal.com]

There's a Terry Pratchett novel ("The Truth") in which one guy is constantly using "--ing" as a punctuation mark. It eventually becomes clear that he actually is saying "--ing," and no one quite understands.

A funny entry!

*ahem*

[rowyn]

"I don't see how this can possibly fail to go horribly wrong. But the spell works!"

...

Good luck with this one! I think you'll need it.