sythyry | (no subject)

How Friendly The Squid... [4 Trandary 4261]

No, I hadn't really intended to have tea with Ysgwyd, much less Ysgwyd and Delframber. Unfortunately, Khtsoyis are exceedingly sneaky and subtle when they drift and slither into Flooooooosh's pastry shop behind you, silent and quiet and unheard, yet, somehow, also inaudible.

Orren are not sneaky, subtle, drifty, slithery, silent, quiet, unheard, or inaudible.

Well, OK, they're slithery. That's one of their best points. Slithery and furry. Yum...

Except that having the cuckolded wife of your ex-boyfriend hurl herself at you in the middle of Flooooooosh's pastry shop, while your muzzle is deep in a balsawood chalice of kathia, is not slithery. Or a best point. Or, indeed, even yum.

I suppose, at some point, I will be so experienced at adultery that I instinctively do the right thing in this situation. Which is, of course, to teleport a long way away. Teleporting a long way away is actually a good idea whenever one is confronted with Ilottat or any of his relatives or in-laws. They may be Orren, but they are not the right Orren.

The wrong thing, of course, is to inhale.

At any rate, this proved that the visitation of Ysgwyd and Delframber was not an unfriendly one. Ysgwyd first thumped me on the back to help me stop choking on the kathia -- unlike some students, I have not yet learned to breathe kathia. And then she embraced me like a long-absent friend ... or, more accurately, like a long-absent friendly unindicted co-conspirator.

Ysgwyd:"Hey, Sythers? Did you ever get back together with that husband of mine?"

Me:"No. He won't speak to me anymore."

Ysgwyd:"Awww, you guys were so cute. D'you know what he's up to now?"

Me:"Classes, I think, and assiduously pretending to be cisaffectionate."

Ysgwyd:"Yeah, that's what we're in town for."

Me:"By 'we' do you mean 'yourself and Delframber'?"

Ysgwyd:"Yuppers!"

Me:"And am I right in remembering that Delframber has the honor to be a Khtsoyis?" It was not hard to remember it; for one thing, Delframber was floating in front of me, eating a vast plate of poptaloops with his tentacles.

Delframber:"Just, a little bit, of an honor."

Ysgwyd:[beaming]"You remembered!"

Me:"Some evenings are exceedingly hard to forget. My budget for brandy is only so large, after all."

Ysgwyd and Delframber:We now laugh and look very happy that the Zi Ri is still our dear friend!

Me:I now remain unaware of impending doom, probably because my doom-sensing senses have been dulled by too much exposure to nendrai.

Me:"So, what cisaffectionate matters are you planning?"

Ysgwyd:"Not hot yummy sexy ones, let me tell you!"

Me:"I'm not sure I follow that."

Ysgwyd:"Well, Delframber and I have decided which of us gets to bear our child."

I immediately thought of the Ritual of the Fertile Union, which guarantees that pretty much any mating will bear progeny, even a mating between different species. I'm pretty sure that it's illegal in Vheshrame. Not 'cause Vheshrame is anti-transaffection -- it's one of the most pro-traff cities in Ketheria, for nobility at least -- but because the progeny switch back and forth between the two parents' species, and usually die of horrible degenerative diseases before they're forty, and would generally envy even Thelvion's lot in life.

Me:"I'm afraid I don't know anyone who can help with that."

Ysgwyd:"Well, we were hoping you could help."

Me:"I am not a ritual mage!"

Ysgwyd:"Buh?"

Delframber:"No -- indeed, we neither need, nor request, any such intense, magical assistance, from you, nor indeed from anyone. We simply, intend the use, of gods-given genitalia, for the purpose, they were, given to us."

Me:"Buh?"

Ysgwyd:[shouting]"I wanna get pregnant! Like, now!"

A great many people in the bakery stared at the Orren woman shouting at the Khtsoyis and the Zi Ri, "I wanna get pregnant! Like, now!" I am sure that cartoons of this will grace Hressh-Huu's Howling Horn.

Me:"Well ... don't let me stand in your way ... "

Ysgwyd:[shouting]"No, you've got to help!"

I rather curled up in expected pain at the thought. Zi Ri, of course, reproduce in agony, not pleasure. It helps keep our numbers low.

Me:"Owie!"

Ysgwyd:"No, no, not like that. We flipped a coin for which species of child we'd start with, and I won. So I wanna get preggy. We thought and we thought about who we could ask to be the father -- we've got plenty of Orren friends back home, but they're mostly, well, kinda a bit sketchy."

Delframber:"But then, we remembered, something most wonderful."

Ysgwyd:"Yeah, some kind of wonderful. I'm married! To an Orren man! He could get me preggy!"

She beamed as if she were the cleverest thing this side of Inihithre.

Me:"Well, that would be an ordinary way for married people to go about it, I suppose."

Ysgwyd:[not noting any sarcasm]"Yeah! So, are you in?"

Me:"In?"

Ysgwyd:"Yeah. You were his chippie! Do you really think he's gonna get it up for just me?"

I do believe it's time to swear off Orren forever again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Some how "Orren Fluffer" does not sound like an all too terrible job, were it anyone else but your ex. Still, I suppose compared to "Nendrai Wrangler"...

[Bard somehow neglects to translate this one]

Oh come *on* Bard! Seeing the Zi Ri's reaction to this would be priceless! :)

Come to think of it, I am looking for a job...

...Oh my. I would run far, far away... this could ruin the good relationship you have with your girlfriend...

Seconded! Flee!

Bah, what sort of an unneighborly lout are you? Of course I will help them!

... how?!

From a long way off, of course.

I would have paid good money to be a patron in that bakery, just to bear witness to that conversation.

However, I fear that I would have suffered a far worse fate than inhaling kathia? Mine would have erupted from my nose.

I do believe it's time to swear off Orren forever again, truly!

oh dear lord, the doom is thick enough to taste, or perhaps fill poptaloops with.

Um ... no ... I don't think so, really.

Oh, that's only because it isn't your own, personal doom. For once.

O dear. Are you having "new year confusion", or were Kaimiri's servants drunk? I must assume responsibility for putting such naughty thoughts in your head.

[The rest of the letter continues with the line "I am a very naughty dragon." repeated 1000 times.]

Oops! Thank you!

No problem. The only other solution I could think of was a very localized time warp around Vheshrame.

Couldn't you... I dunno... make a naughty series of images for Ysgwyd to flash before Illotat's eyes when he gets wilty? You could even anonymize the images somehow... change the coloring or something. Then you wouldn't have to be there! Or, I suppose, if there's any market in Zi Ri porn, you could offer to supply them with a bountiful quantity. Or something. Anything.

I actually have a good supply of well-loved Zi Ri porn, which Thestra stole from Ilottat. I don't really want to give that back though, or even let Ilottat know I have it.

And what I actually did was sort of like what you suggested, but less personal.

I gather from the discussion that, whatever the actual solution, you made it plain to that particular Orren and Khtsoyis that you are not a prostitute, and that her husband's ex-lover would not be a good choice for that role in any case.

I object! He is my ex-lover because of some imagined larceny on my part (real larceny, yes, but I didn't do it and I didn't want it done), not because of any amatory deficiencies!

I had no intention of implying amatory deficiencies, O Zi Ri, and I apologize for the implication.

I meant only that, given his anger toward you, he'd be more likely to get angry and chase you away than to follow the course of action desired by his wife.

Ah, but we have a plan ... a cunning plan ... a devious and subtle plan ... yes, a plan!

If I'm really lucky, he might even stop being quite so broken up with me.

But what about dear Jinthinia?

The whoops! That would be me.

A plan so cunning... that you could put a mask on it and call it a Rassimel?

Just think -- you'll be able to boast to your parents that you're already a famous public figure, immortalized in newsprint! Are there any public discussions where people come onstage to talk about "Zi Ri and the Orren Who Love Them," possibly with throwing of chairs?

Is it a genetic thing, or just exposure to Khtsoyis, or does she have to practice to get that way?

She works very hard at it! More Khtsoyis than most Khtsoyis are.

four limbs to caress and hold an orren's arms and legs, and three left to attend to each naughty bit. sounds like someone's into tentacles...

W.

Please, help yourself to as many Khtsoyis as you'd like!

No, no, don't hold back on my account. I'm traff, but I don't think I'm that traff.

You have just three naughty bits?!?

Great site, I am bookmarking it!Keep it up!
With the best regards!
Frank

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How Friendly The Squid... [4 Trandary 4261]

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There's a lot to like with a Khtsoyis

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